This article is from an Indian parenting author and coach who interviewed 200 children — aged 8 to 18 — to find out what the kids really thought about their parents, and what they wished their parents would do differently.
It sets out four points, all of are useful reminders about what really matters. But when it comes to patience, the first point really stands out – disagreement isn’t the same as disrespect.
Many of the kids interviewed say that their parents usually see any deviation from their rules or even preferences as disrespectful. Swati Lodha shares a story from her own family. Her daughter, Sharaa, loves to travel with her camera and laptop, which she brings in her carry-on when the family goes on plane trips. On one trip, Sharaa’s dad noticed how long it took the family to get through airport security, so he asked his daughter if she could check her gear instead. Sharaa said no; she prefers to keep her gear with her, worried that the delicate, valuable equipment will be harmed in checked baggage.
But her dad dug in, and the disagreement has become a sore point whenever they travel together. Sharaa thinks her dad has cast her decision as an act of rebellion and willfulness. The last time it happened, her dad said, “You respect these things more than people,” recalls Swati. “My daughter was downcast; she told us, ‘You guys love obedience; you guys dislike defiance.’” Sharaa wishes that her father would respect what she sees as her informed choice to do what is best.
How often does conflict, anger and stress arise because we expect something of our children that just isn’t happening?
Lots.
The part we can control are our expectations. The idea that disagreement doesn’t mean disrespect reveals another layer of those situations; by understanding this, we can use it to avoid the conflict, anger and stress.
One layer regular BeingDads readers will be familiar with is expectation in terms of ability for children’s age. For example, you can’t expect a four year old to achieve even the simplest of tasks within a given time frame ‘you’ve got to finish your lunch in 10 minutes because we have to go’.
While they might have the ability to count to 10 and beyond, understanding what 10 minutes is, requires an understanding of the concept of time. That’s not something a four-year-old has a good grip on. It’s not something many adults chairing meetings do either.
Four-year-olds also don’t have the ability to break down what you’ve asked into actions they need to do. The instruction assumes they know that to finish their lunch in 10 minutes, they need to keep taking regular mouthfuls and chewing and swallowing. Cause and effect, the ability to break down a task in a logical way, and then put that logic into practice.
This ability is something four-year-olds are at the very beginning of developing. So, when your four-year-old doesn’t manage to finish their lunch in 10 minutes and you get cross at them, you should really be getting cross at yourself for setting unrealistic expectations. Or if you don’t want to accept blame, lay it at the feet of evolution for not developing these abilities in human children at earlier ages.
So, realistic expectations are one layer.
The additional layer this article points to is the child’s outlook. Disagreement isn’t disrespect reminds us that our children have a different view of the situation, with different priorities and considerations.
They may not understand that finishing their lunch in 10 minutes is important to you because, if they don’t, you’ll miss your doctor’s appointment. The one for your knee that’s started hurting because you’re getting older, despite wishing you weren’t. Your child thinks their imaginary game is more important than finishing lunch. When they understand that finishing their lunch will help you get help with your hurty knee, and that they can play their imaginary game all the way to the doctors, with you playing too, they can shift their priorities.
When children get to six and over, you can have better quality conversations about disagreements that give you insight into their world view, their priorities and serve as an opportunity to share yours. Conversations about how you all work together to have smooth school-day mornings, where everyone gets out of the house on time happy instead of harassed, can be really enlightening. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have these conversations with under sixes, this can begin to set good patterns in place, just be mindful of your expectations.
Recognising that disagreement isn’t disrespect helps you and your children stay on the same page. In our house, we have conversations about working together better whenever a negative, naggy pattern starts to form around specific situations. They work because they help us understand what’s important to each other in those situations and why it’s important. Because they work, they’re a part of my patience course too.
Take this thought to its logical conclusion and you get to respect. Do you respect your kids enough to take the time to understand their point of view, and to explain yours?
