Confidence.
Too much makes us arrogant and liable to take too much risk. Too little dooms us to never achieving because we never try. Getting the balance right has a huge influence on how our lives pan out and our satisfaction in life too.
Confidence is how much trust we have in ourselves. Parenting is a huge challenge to our confidence. We face it with no preparation or training. But, if approached right, parenting is a deep and rich way to build confidence.
The real basics, like nappy changes and pre-journey ‘have you gone to the loo’s?’ we pick up fast. This doesn’t stretch us, it’s the easy stuff. Dealing with a two-year old’s tantrum, a seven-year old’s friendship fall outs or five-year old’s stubbornness challenges us each and every time. It’s through this challenge that we have the opportunity to build our confidence, and lose it too of course.
But challenge and failure are hard, especially when it’s something we expect to be accomplishable, like raising our own children. Especially when the rest of the world doesn’t expect us to be that involved. Despite lots of progress, schools still call mum first and high-profile dads never get asked how they balance it all.
So when a dad loses their cool in the face of repeated tantrums, or forgets what’s needed for the baby bag or the start of a new school term, it’s not surprising most men go with the cultural flow. Letting their partner pick up the parenting. That’s many mistakes in one. For their partner, whose ambitions are no less important than dads. For their children, whose views of men and women’s roles at home and work are shaped by parents. For them too. Dads that choose to pass on the hard bits of parenting, pass on a lot of it, because a lot of parenting is hard.
When dads stay in the game, three things happen.
The more involved you become, the more you stretch your comfort zone and do new things. Sometimes you nail it, others you mess it up, but the bond between you and your children gets stronger each time (provided you apologise for your screw ups and repair any resulting rupture). That's the first thing. Money can't buy it.
Secondly, that stronger relationship gives you more motivation, which makes achieving the other things in life you want, easier. As Nietzsche said, ‘He who has a why to live can bear almost any how’.
Then there's that third thing. Confidence. Because when you keep stretching yourself to do hard things, and you find yourself doing them more often than not (because you've had more practice), your self-confidence grows.
I’ve had a few work relationships that started with great promise, but turned unpleasant and manipulative. I walked away from them because I could see my negativity coming out at home. Had I not cared more for my role as a father, than my role as a financial provider, I may well have stayed in an unhappy place. Many men do. But my children gave me the motivation to leave, because of our relationship, and I had the self-confidence that things would work out, because of how much they've made me grow.
Your kids are your motivation. It is for them that you strive to provide and create a better life, to set an example and to become someone they can be proud of. I’ve noticed that, counter-intuitively, the more I see myself as a father above all else, the more family responsibilities I take on, the more energy I have to give to other things. Not more time mind, but more energy. Energy I can use to create more time by getting more done. Energy that comes with an extra bit of self-confidence. I guess that's a fourth thing then.
