There are other paradoxes, but this is the biggest beast in the pack. The parental desire to make life easier for our kids might be the thing that limits their potential to live the best life they can. You probably know this, but in today’s post-COVID, climate changing, more mental health aware world, judging when to push and when to ease off is harder than ever.
We’ve been taught by our culture that good dads give their kids a bit of a push (lovingly of course). At the same time, we smooth the way for them because we know how painful life can be. How scary it gets. What it feels like to doubt yourself and feel worthless and inadequate. You know those dark thoughts…I assume…or maybe it’s just me who feels like they’re falling short most of the time. Either way, this tangent doesn’t take away from the point –
The smoother you make life for them, the less practice they get pushing the edges of their comfort zone. The less pushing they do, the smaller their comfort zone stays.
It’s painful, but it’s one of those indisputable facts of life, which Dr Seuss articulated better than I ever can –
“Out there things can happen, and frequently do, To people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don’t worry, don’t stew. Just go right along, you’ll start happening too!”
Why it's different than in our day
We grew up in a different world to our kids. Climate change is an existential threat that hangs over them. If they’re little they won’t know, but at some point they will, because this stuff is taught in schools and their access to media and information is light years ahead of what it was in our day, when global events barely intruded on our day-to-day. Can you imagine growing up with the idea that life is only going to get hotter and hotter no matter what you do?
But we didn’t grow up with the level of awareness and support around mental health and neurodiversity either. ADHD didn’t exist in my day, my parents had to fight for my sister’s dyslexia to be acknowledged. With knowledge comes responsibility. Post COVID, children’s mental health issues have risen society wide. If someone’s already feeling fragile, putting them in what they perceive to be a hard situation may well wind up doing more harm than good.
So what to do?
It’s something I think about a fair bit. One of my children is autistic, so finds some social situations seriously tough, while his brother just glides through like a swan on a lake. But with things like school work, the swan is quite happy ignoring it all until he’s forced, often with unpleasant feelings on all sides, while his brother just gets on with it, no nagging required. Through all this, I struggle to hold back on trying to get one to interact more with the people around him, because I know social skills matter, and the other to get his shit together and do the work, because that’s how you get ahead.
At the moment, my answers to this paradox are to push with humour and low expectations. Reminding them of the reason I’m doing it, rather than pushing for a specific outcome. I hope this shows them the task at hand isn’t that important, that I’ve got their best interests at heart and I’m always in their corner.
That and making sure I’ve tried to think about things from their perspective, so I’m not unwittingly setting their 10+ year self up to fail against my adult-level expectations. I try but I don’t always manage it. And when I don’t I kick myself with the realisation. But then life is in part about pushing that comfort zone, acknowledging the pain of screwing up and trying again next time right?
And by continuing to push gently, sometimes they surprise me by allowing themselves to step out of their comfort zone and coping beautifully. Trying something new and realising they can do it for themselves.